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Friday the 13th Advisory

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Arty Wang

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As the more astute of us may notice, this Friday is Friday the 13th, one of the two such dates that will occur this year. Due to records of disastrous and, often, very violent events occurring on or associated with Friday, the number 13, or Friday the 13th, there’s a distinct need for a guide on how to survive the various terrors that such an inauspicious date will inevitably bring us.

  • Avoiding anything that is believed to bring bad luck should be heeded, from black cats to the thirteenth floor of buildings.
  • On a related note, approaching anything strange or unusual may prove to be hazardous behavior. The unusual thing you are attempting to investigate may very well prove dangerous, if not outright hostile.
  • Do not attempt to play pranks on your friends on this the 13th. Serial killers or hostile monsters are known for arriving in places where pranksters are operating, and using the prankster’s activity to conceal their killings or even taking the opportunity to kill the prankster themselves. Thus, performing pranks on the 13th will either result in you inadvertently assisting in the deaths of your dear friends or in your own demise.
  • On a similar note, the Friday the 13th is a particularly bad time to commit crimes. Any criminal activities you intend to participate in (murder, robbery, theft, banking [a.k.a. more theft]) should be postponed until Saturday the 14th.
  • Further extending the advice of not committing crimes, following or beginning a life of crime is ill-advised, as regularly breaking the law often makes you seem less empathetic in the eyes of the audience, and less empathetic characters often fall victim to the varyingly fast or slow deaths horror movie killers are known to deliver.
  • Dark places are generally dangerous to be in for any extended period of time. Entering them – even if you have a light source – is highly ill-advised.
  • At the same time, don’t let your guard down just because the place you are in is brightly lit – next to murder, the dangerous beings that have been known to appear on Friday the 13th enjoy surprises and breaking people’s expectations.
  • Dead ends should be avoided entirely. In the event you encounter danger, you will have nowhere to run.
  • Never go anywhere alone, even if it’s a simple bathroom break – always take at least one other person with you. If nothing else, one of you can scream for help in the event that something happens to the other.
  • On a similar note, screaming of any kind should not be investigated. While another person may very well need the assistance of someone, attempting to serve as a distraction – which is all that can be reliably done – will only result in harm to yourself, however noble the deed is.
  • Should you encounter danger of any kind, especially the kind posed by a serial killer, a monster, or other hostile living creature, remember that attacking the danger never works, except when it does. The same applies for running, hiding, and attempting to reason with the danger.

The final danger that may arrive on Friday the 13th is, of course, the fact that Hollywood has sought to add to the horror of these days by regularly scheduling horror movie release dates for days like Friday the 13th. While the possibility of viewing a horror film on the day of its release definitely has its appeals, doing so with the threats of the 13th hanging over your head is a less-than-optimal course of action. Better to let others see the movie first. Should they survive (either the movie or the day itself), you can then learn from their accounts how the movie was, and provide a better insight as to whether the movie is for you or not.

If you should have the audacity to view a movie on Friday the 13th, here’s another quick list of tips to keep in mind:

  • Try not to be too engrossed in the movie as you watch it. The horrors that appear on Friday the 13th enjoy ambushing those who are distracted.
  • Try not to make noise or use any mobile electronic devices while the movie is playing. Doing so give away your position and, more to the point, disrupt the movie viewing experience for other audience members.
  • In the event that a killer should enter the movie theater, leave behind your snacks. Do not attempt to bring them along or attempt to eat them as you run, they will only slow you down and provide a very, very embarrassing death.

You can expect your next Friday the 13th on Friday, July 13th. The suggestions listed here should be able to keep you safe from dangers of all kinds, ranging from hockey-masked serial killers to manipulative movie release dates to things that should never have existed to begin with.

About the Writer
Arthur Wang, Reporter

My name’s Arthur, and I’ll graduate in 2018. I’m a member of the debate team and school orchestra....

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