School Survival Bestiary: The Teachers

Humor Column


The Students’ version of the School Survival Bestiary provided a number of tips that will (hopefully) keep people safe in the halls should they encounter students. However, it has come to my attention that the teachers in this school can prove to be a danger, too. Thus, I’ve compiled a second list of tips that should help avoid unwanted attention from teachers.

  • Rapid movements are known to attract the eyes and suspicion of teachers. Things like running in the halls are discouraged, particularly due to the risk of collision with another teacher. Similarly, running in the classrooms is ill advised.
  • Students are social creatures that crave communication – thus they often feel the need to talk to each other or use their cell phones while in class. However, doing so will often result in said students being caught and punished. Punishments range from a warning to a removal of the cell phone, depending on the teacher.
  • The following behavior should also be kept in mind in the event you attempt to use a cellphone in class: if a teacher punishes you for cell phone use, it’s better not to argue or resist. Doing so will only irritate the teacher further, and teachers are known to be quite dangerous when angered.
  • Teachers generally do not move from their classrooms frequently unless they do not have a class for the block. Even so, disruptive activities within hallways, such as making noise, running, and other distracting behavior will still be noticed by not only students but teachers as well.
  • If you must interrupt a teacher’s activities, remember to be polite and treat it with respect. It may have already suffered from multiple interruptions before yours.
  • Should a teacher be provoked, apologizing and attempting to make amends should both be effective tactics. However, running is not recommended, as it can be easily construed as an escape attempt only a guilty party would make.
  • When insulted by a student, attempting to insult it back is an effective tactic. However, this is not the case with teachers, as insulting them will only escalate the situation further than it has already developed.
  • Classes can prove an unpleasant affair for many teachers (keep in mind they have many, many students to deal with), but it is also a routine. Deviations in the routine such as someone suddenly bursting into the classroom only make their days less pleasant than they already are.
  • Do not make teachers your enemies. Unlike most students, they will likely be encountered on a regular basis, and while they generally won’t insult you, they have direct control over the most vital thing of all: your grades.