Westwood Horizon

Humor Piece: Wake Up Call System

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Many of those who were present early on the morning of March 21, 2018 may have noticed that, rather than the intended announcement, the speakers of the school emitted a noise somewhere between dying coughs of a computer’s hard drive during a power outage and the gurgling of an electronic eldritch entity.

While this could be interpreted as an indication of intercom troubles, this event was in fact a testing of the brand-new WakeUpCall™©® system designed and manufactured by Cacophonous Creations Corporation Company Ltd LLC Global Incorporated Limited Liability Company (Stock Exchange Symbol CAC).

The idea behind the WakeUpCall™©® system is that loud or unfamiliar sounds will result in greater degrees of alertness. In the wild, our ancestors learned to identify unusual noises and prepare to respond if those noises were created by a danger (the crackling of a fire, or a predator stepping on a branch, for example). This instinct remains today, and is often employed in such wonderful regions as hospitals, war zones, and high schools just like ours. The Cacophonous Creations Corporation Company Ltd LLC Global Incorporated Limited Liability Company (Stock Exchange Symbol CAC) hopes to improve upon this concept by causing stranger sounds that more easily attract the attention of students.

The recent changes in the bell schedules have been a previous attempt at improving student alertness through this method, including sounds such as the breaking of glass, the screaming of various animals, and the uneasy silence of a place fit for neither the living nor the dead. However, it seems that such changes in the bell schedule have, in fact, actually increased student fatigue and decreased morale. The new changes in the frequency and variety of sounds is believed to help alleviate the current situation. Westwood staff have confirmed that this system will definitely be released soon in an attempt to improve student alertness and concentration.

Some possible sounds include:

  • Birdsong
  • The sounds of wind
  • Brief audio clips from songs, such as:
    • The opening bars of “The Blue Danube Waltz” by Johann Strauss II
    • The opening bars of “Symphony No. 5” by Beethoven
    • The opening bars of “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley
    • The opening bars of “Let The Bodies Hit The Floor” by Drowning Pool
    • The opening bars of [OPTION BLOCKED DUE TO COPYRIGHT]
    • Near the holiday season, the opening bars of “Jingle Bells”
  • Distorted radio chatter
  • Various “dad jokes”, provided by Mario Acosta
  • Voices of drill instructors
  • [OPTION BLOCKED DUE TO COPYRIGHT]
  • The sounds of wind, followed by the sounds of metal colliding with rock at high speed

One of several current plans for how the system will be implemented is that the WakeUpCall™©® will either replace the bells that appear at the start and the end of the school day, or those that sound during announcements. There has also been a proposal to use the WakeUpCall™©® system as intended – producing the above sounds at random times during the day – but there hasn’t yet been any confirmation over which plan will be chosen.

However, the system is implemented. The Cacophonous Creations Corporation Company Ltd LLC Global Incorporated Limited Liability Company (Stock Exchange Symbol CAC) hopes to make announcements more entertaining, keep students more alert, and cause adrenaline spikes more frequently.

While the subject of this new system is in place, the Westwood staff would like to remind students that the sound system is completely free of all forms of disruption, and every single pause, mispronunciation, and breathing on the microphone are all deliberate actions. They are not to be questioned or even acknowledged.

Have a safe day and as always, “Go Wood”.

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